What Really Matters When Opening Up

 Learn about the importance of process vs. content

Very often, I get questions like this: 

• “Can going from infidelity to polyamory really work?” 
• “Can a relationship where one partner is monogamous and one is polyamorous really work?” 
• “Can ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policies really work?” 

The truth is, I’ve seen all of the above work spectacularly – and I’ve seen them all fail, too. What matters to me isn’t really the specific relationship structure you want to create, or the specific situation you happen to be in. I’m more interested in this: can you have a good conversation with your partner about it? 

It’s not that your relationship history or relationship structure are irrelevant. They might tell you something about what your growth edges are, or what challenges you are likely to face. (For instance, if there’s infidelity in your past, you will need to do some major repair, and build capacity for handling tough conversations very well.) But they’re not really the determining factor when it comes to relationship success. The determining factor is how well you and your partner(s) work with one another to move together towards whatever it is you want to create. 

This ties in with an important distinction that I make in my therapy room between process and content. An easy way to think about it is that content is what you discuss, and process is how you discuss it. Of course, discussing differences between you can be very difficult at times, and bring up lots of complicated feelings. Still, how you do it is more important than the topic itself. If you can find a way to have a good process – one that’s curious, open-minded, unhurried, and respectful of both partners – very often, the content will sort itself out as you go. 

Here are some ideas to help you focus on the process over the content: 

• Manage your reactions. It’s ok to have feelings, of course, but very often, when one partner starts to have a strong emotional reaction – whether that’s anger, or a shutdown, or weeping – the other partner will get activated too, and then neither of you will get the chance to really hear each other out. If you notice that you’re getting activated, take a break! Let your partner know “We can definitely talk about this, but I’ll do a better job if I take a break. We’ll come back to this (and decide together on a day and time).” You’ll both still be able to share all your thoughts and feelings, but you will have a better chance of hearing one another when you’re both grounded and calm. You might need to take lots of breaks, and that’s ok! There’s no rush here. 
• Put aside the outcome for now. If you have a particular relationship structure you want to try, that’s great. But if you’re in debate mode, trying to convince your partner, you’re going to put them on defense. Slow down, let go of the idea that this will be figured out right now, and focus on understanding each other. There’s no deadline to meet, just a whole lot of opportunity for mutual discovery. 
• Ease up on the timeline. Often partners start having conversations when they want or need to make a decision by a particular deadline or within a time frame. That’s ok, but if you are having challenging conversations on a deadline, it isn’t reasonable to expect your decision to be durable. I often recommend that my clients frame any action they decide on as an experiment – because things change, new information comes to light, and we reevaluate – but that’s especially true when you’re making decisions quickly, rather than allowing for a full exploration of multiple viewpoints. Whatever conclusion you come to for now, stay flexible; think of it as an experimental first try, rather than a way of moving forward.
• Open yourself to possibility. Oftentimes partners get polarized, each holding down the fort for their personal favorite option. Then they either snipe back and forth, or settle on a compromise where no one gets what they want. The truth is, the more you argue, the more likely you are to lose sight of how many possibilities there really are. Consider not just options A and B, but options C, D, E, F … X, Y, and Z. Challenge yourself to think of as many options as you can – even super silly ones! There’s something really magical about throwing the gates wide open and getting creative. 

Originally published on Psychology Today.