Finding A Path When Things Feel Out of Control

If you’re like many colleagues, clients, and friends I’ve spoken to recently, you may be feeling a little stuck, frozen, and overwhelmed. Today, I’d like to share my personal recipe for getting unstuck. 

Let’s start by talking a little about how we get stuck in the first place. In part, stuck-ness comes from big emotions like fear and anger. These emotions are hard to hold; when they are a little too much, we feel frozen, confused, enraged, powerless, hopeless, or traumatized. 

When you’re in those emotional states (fight, flight, freeze, fawn), the people around you might recommend that you figure out ways to regulate your emotions so you can function better, breathe deeper, and feel a little peace — or, at least, a bit less tumult. But it isn’t as simple as just pushing emotions away or burying them, or moving from flight to freeze or fawn, where we seek comfort in inaction.  

So how do we find a sweet spot where we are able to function — by which I mean staying conscious, thinking reasonably clearly, taking in information, responding with both logic and empathy, and making decisions about action steps? 

The routines and relationships we find supportive are very important to maintaining a balance between “sufficiently aware and capable of action” and “sufficiently protected to be able to sleep and eat.” This is our moment to move the concept of “self care” out of buzzword territory and into sincere and intentional practice, so we feel sufficiently resourced to make good choices for ourselves and our families.  

This is also a great moment to carefully consider which relationships in our lives are most supportive, and move towards connection and support. Naturally, this means our closest people, but it also includes the news sources we access, our social media, and every other way we interact with the outside world. 

• What nurtures you? 
• Which relationships help you take action in accordance with your values? 
• Which drain your vital energy or make you feel cranky for days on end?

 If you are stressed to the max, curating your energy expenditure and nurturing connections that increase your emotional resilience is critically important.

My personal goal is to take good enough care of myself, and find enough joy, connection, laughter, and fun, that I can remain both conscious and active while the storm rages. I aspire to rest well. I aspire to be in sufficiently caring connection with my loved ones and community that I can show up daily in accordance with my values. My personal values include taking intentional daily action to use my voice and do what I can to improve the world in ways that are meaningful to me, even if I can’t know if they land or make a difference. Using my voice is an important act for me. 

If you feel similarly, one good place to start might be with a personal assessment of your window of tolerance:

• What does it mean for you to be functioning well? Able to sleep, eat, work? 
• What else is it important for you to be able to do, beyond the most basic activities of daily living?
• What self-care actions could help you feel more grounded even while the storm rages? How will you take good enough care of yourself to remain engaged?

Using your voice is worthwhile, even if you can’t see the immediate difference it will make. As a therapist, I’ve spent enough time exploring relational dynamics to know that our actions make a difference to the people around us, in ways both large and small. I see that happen all the time in relational dynamics — one partner starts making slightly different choices, and the whole system improves as a result. 

We live in a world that is full of factors outside of our control. We can only control what we do. But what we do can shift larger dynamics, in great and small ways. The bigger the system, the smaller our relative sphere of influence within it. But our choices are still part of every picture we are part of, large and small. Our choices matter. Your voice matters. You matter.

If you can speak up about what you think, that will make a difference to everyone who hears you. If you can help someone else take action, that doubles your influence. You won’t know the difference it will make, but it will certainly make a difference — including letting your limbic system know you’re not powerless. 

The exercise I’m sharing below is my best practice to help myself and others get unstuck and into a state that’s more aligned with goals and values. This is relevant whether you’re considering how you want to show up in your intimate relationship(s) or whether you’re thinking about your relationship to close communities, larger communities, or how you want to be a citizen of the world.  Please feel free to share it freely. 

Getting unstuck in four steps

• Start with the right question. When you’re dealing with a big situation that’s not entirely within your control, it’s easy to fall into a disempowered stance — so don’t ask yourself unanswerable questions, like “Is it even possible to shift this?” Instead, ask yourself, “When I look back on this time, what would I like to have done in this moment? How would I want myself to show up?” 
• Sit with that question and let it sink in.  What action today will give you peace of mind sufficient to live your way into a very unknown future? You might be thinking, “There's no point to any action unless I can see that it makes a difference.” I understand that feeling. However, we can't predict the future, and we can’t predict the ripple effects that may come from our actions at any moment. Change happens in mysterious ways; we rarely know what the outcome of our actions will be. What we do know is that doing nothing is, in its own way, also doing something. It has an effect. If you like how things are going, keep doing what you’re doing. If you don’t, then now is a good time to try something else. For me, whatever the future looks like, I want to have acted within my values today, tomorrow and every single day. What would that look like for you?
• Once you’ve identified some steps you can take, choose one and act on it.  I recommend making a list of options, so you have action steps available to you on days when your energy is very limited, and days when you have more to give. I also find it helpful to periodically do a little quick research about action steps others in my situation or community are taking so I feel connected, and in touch with others even if indirectly. 
• Allow yourself some peace. Whatever is going on around you, it is important that you take gentle loving care of yourself, as you move forward. You are important, your voice is important, your work and love and relationships and way of being in the world is important. Prioritize supportive routines, juicy breaks that feel nurturing, and take any opportunity to laugh, sing, or dance. It won’t slow you down, it is likely to boost your mood, and it might even be contagious.

Originially published on Psychology Today.