We Need to Talk About Sex and Aging

Advice for the golden years from a sex therapist

Sex is a part of life – and not just YOUNG lives. We don’t stop being sexual beings simply as a result of age – but most of our cultural depictions of sexiness or sexuality revolve around young, thin, able people. As we age, it becomes increasingly difficult to find sex positive information, images, and social support that reflects our actual experience of both aging and sexuality. 

This dearth of support is really tragic. So, in the service of increasing visibility of sexy and sexual elders, I’d like to point to some ways we can support our own sexuality as we age, and that of others as well.

• Get comfortable with the topic of sex. Anyone can be sexy, and anyone can be sexual if they want that for themselves. Cultural marginalization affects how people perceive our sexuality, whether that’s in the form of being desexualized (like older people often are) or hypersexualized. But everyone deserves to have agency over their own sexual experience and expression! For many, sexuality is an important source of joy, connection, pleasure, and aliveness. Let’s commit to supporting diverse sexual expression for anyone who identifies as a sexual being. If sex is important to you, say so. If you are advocating for someone else, get used to talking about sex in very frank terms.
• Learn about options and get creative. The way our bodies can change as we age affects our sexual functioning. There are expectable changes to skin flexibility, hormone balances, muscle tone, and vascular function. On top of that, oftentimes we may end up managing one or more chronic conditions, plus multiple medications (which probably come with sexual side effects). Of course, each situation is unique, but the most important thing to know is that changes don’t have to mean the end of your sex life. In fact, many people experience the most satisfying sex of their lives in their later years! If sex is important to you and you’re experiencing challenges, talk to a sex therapist. They will help you figure out what you want, what type of medical or other support would be helpful, and help you create the sex life you want.
• Consider how medical issues affect sexuality. If you are facing major or minor medical issues, including surgeries, let your health care providers know that your sexual health and function is important to you. Lots of treatments, surgeries, and medications have side effects that create sexual dysfunction. But many of them have less disruptive options, and potential for rehabilitation or physical therapy that will make a tremendous difference. Why not ask? By the way – no matter what changes you experience physiologically, there are always ways to express your eroticism. If you need support in finding your way, consider contacting a sex therapist. We work at the intersection of physiology, psychology, and sexuality, and can serve as great allies for your journey, no matter what comes up along the way.
• Keep privacy in mind. One unfortunate side-effect of the invisibility of older people’s sexuality is a lack of concern for their privacy. It can be particularly challenging in a long-term care facility, where care workers may be in and out at all times. If you need privacy, speak up. If you’re in a position of caring for others, think about how you might initiate a conversation with your clients about their privacy needs, and how you can help create private space and time. I suggest the direct approach: ask “Would you and your partner like some intimate time together? How can I help facilitate that for you?”  
• Embrace the most essential skill for lifelong sexual connection: flexibility. Our bodies change, our circumstances change, our relationships change, our needs and desires change… the best thing you can do to set yourself up for a long-lasting sexual connection is to develop your ability to flex with these changes. Oftentimes, we get thrown when things don’t go as planned, but sex very often doesn’t go according to plan. Focus on creating as much pleasure and connection together as possible, in whatever form that takes that day. 

Originally published on Psychology Today.