What should you do if you don’t have an orgasm in partner sex?
There’s an obvious answer: give yourself an orgasm. But, as always with sex, the meaning we make about orgasms makes this simple solution much more complicated.
All sorts of mischief can happen when we start to construct narratives about why we or our partner didn’t have an orgasm in a particular encounter. It’s these narratives, not the lack of orgasm, that cause us distress.
Here are some common meanings people make when they or their partner doesn’t reach orgasm:
- If my partner really loved me, they would just know how to please me.
- My partner is selfish and only cares about their own pleasure.
- I’m too slow; my partner is probably getting bored.
- My partner will feel bad if I don’t reach orgasm; I’ll fake it so they don’t feel bad.
These narratives are united by one misconception: they hold your partner responsible for your orgasm. The truth is, you’re responsible for your orgasm. You know your body better than anyone else. You know how to touch yourself in a way that feels good and how to build your arousal and pleasure. No one is better qualified to give you an orgasm that you are.
If you or your partner have ever felt distressed about lack of orgasm, consider why that is. Is it difficult for you (or them) to add self-pleasure to partner sex? Is it difficult to talk about sex with your partner? Do you think you need to provide orgasms for one another? Chances are they are also caught in this trap, and the conversation could free you both up.
There are all kinds of fun and creative ways to work self-touch into your sexual encounters with your partner. Many people find this hot, and it removes much of the pressure to perform for both of you. It can really spice things up, and lead to more reliable orgasms.