I’m sure you’ve heard some version of this story:

"I walked in on my husband watching porn and masturbating; I am so upset, partly because he knows I wish we had more sex. Why is he watching porn instead of having sex with me?”

There are many ways issues involving pornography come up in couples therapy, and often one or both partners are quite distressed about it. In all therapy, it is important to have a way to conceptualize the case, so you aren’t just reacting to what is coming up in session. This is particularly important when you work with sex issues,  because they are so wrapped up in shame and misinformation–and that goes double when it comes to porn.

Porn 101

Doing a little psychoeducation to debunk particularly harmful myths can go a long way toward reducing distress, and also grounding yourself in what’s likely going on under the surface.

Here are some facts about masturbation and pornography:

• Pornography comes in all shapes and sizes:
• Some pornography is produced with questionable (or even reprehensible) ethical or business practices. Some is produced ethically and responsibly, without any sort of coercion or exploitation. 
• Some porn is professionally acted, and some is created by amateurs, including some made by people in real relationships in their own bedrooms. 
• Some is created solely for the purpose of increasing arousal, and some is created for the dual purpose of educating and arousing. Yes, you heard me right; there is a whole genre of “educational pornography,” which is a great way to learn all about any particular sex practice you might be interested in exploring. 
• Educational porn and ethical porn tend to depict conversations involving consent, barriers, safety, attention to female pleasure, and other aspects of sex that are often lacking in other kinds of pornography. It may also offer depictions of types of loving relationships that are often left out of mainstream porn: older couples, queer couples, couples that don’t fit the mold of ‘conventional attractiveness,’ and so on. The Comstock films are a good starting point. 
• On the flip side, ethically produced pornography is more likely to cost something to access, in part because the actors are paid. So whatever you hastily pull up on your phone is probably not the most shining example of the genre. People who feel rushed, are hiding, or experience shame about porn are unlikely to pay for it, because then a charge shows up somewhere. 
• Pornography (and here I am not referring to the more difficult-to-access educational porn) is often the only kind of sex education people get. This is really the biggest problem with pornography in my opinion, and it isn’t actually a problem with pornography; it’s a problem with the socio-political climate that makes accurate information about sex difficult to come by. Pornography is designed to increase arousal, and with the exception of educational porn, it does not make any attempt to depict realistic sexual interactions. The kind of pornography you can bring up on your phone fast and free is often lacking in negotiation about consent, desire, preferences, use of barriers, focus on each partner experiencing pleasure, and other aspects of a healthy sexual interaction. All of these would need to be part of any material intended to provide education about sex. Lack of access to sex education is a serious situation indeed. 
• Most people have watched pornography before, and many (of all genders) watch porn regularly. Most of those people are just regular people; if simply watching porn was enough to cause sex problems of any kind, pretty much everyone would be affected. 
• Self-pleasure is a natural and extremely common activity that arises from having a human body that is designed to experience sexual pleasure. Fetuses can be observed on ultrasound masturbating in the womb. Most people self-pleasure off and on, or regularly, throughout their lives. There is plenty of evidence that self-pleasure is healthy, and good for your body and mind.
• Practically nobody wants either pornography or self-pleasure to replace partner sex. Having a real, breathing, warm, loving partner creates a many-layered experience of sexual pleasure that cannot be replaced by self-pleasure, with or without pornography.
• Any activity can be used to alleviate boredom, decrease anxiety, self-soothe, or avoid tough conversations. Some that come quickly to mind include playing video games, eating chips or ice cream, checking your phone at dinner, or posting to social media every time you go to a restaurant. Self-pleasure using erotic entertainment to increase arousal is just one entry on a very long and diverse menu of easily-accessed activities, all of which can be fun, but can also be used to manage or avoid emotions, sometimes causing relational tension or personal distress. 

Choosing porn over a partner: the underlying factors

So what’s going on when one partner actually does seem to choose pornography use with self-pleasure over partnered sex? How do we conceptualize that kind of case?

Partnered sex is a relational activity. Because of that, it carries all the rewards and all the challenges of any interaction between people–and more, because it tends to be so emotionally charged. Sex can provoke anxiety (Is my partner having fun? Am I doing this right? What if I don’t get aroused enough or reach orgasm at the “right” time and in the “right” way?). It can touch on deep vulnerabilities (Am I attractive enough? Am I good enough? Am I broken?). It can stir up relational tensions (Will they get hurt feelings if I ask for something else? Will they be upset if I don’t get hard enough/wet enough/reach orgasm fast enough?).

Masturbating is simpler than partner sex because it only involves one person. When we self-pleasure, we have to deal with our own thoughts, feelings, judgments, and anxieties, but we don’t have to deal with anyone else’s. You don’t have to worry that you’re not sexy enough or skilled enough, because there’s no partner to have any needs, opinions, or preferences. Nor do you have to wonder if the other person is having a good time. You don’t have to worry about anyone else’s orgasm, and you don’t have to wonder if your body looks sexy in this position, because there’s nobody there to judge you. You don’t have to worry about debriefing over breakfast, or what to do when your partner looks bored, gets annoyed, or cries themselves to sleep after sex.

Self-pleasure also has some down-sides though: 

• If you are worried about getting caught or feel uncomfortable about self-pleasure, you are likely to rush through it. This reinforces a sexual style that’s goal-oriented rather than pleasure-focused.
• If you don’t tend to reach orgasm fast, self-pleasure might get a little boring without some outside stimulus like written, audio, or video erotica.
• Self-pleasure is often pretty much the same every time. 

These down-sides provide a clue as to why people use pornography. Porn increases arousal, so you can easily access physiological arousal (hardness, wetness, and orgasm when you want to, usually very reliably). It means self-pleasure goes faster, decreasing both boredom and anxiety about getting caught, and it also provides endless novelty because there are a lot of kinds of porn out there.

Masturbating to porn is much easier than stressful partner sex. Not all partnered sex is stressful, of course, but for many people, partnered sex is somewhere between complicated and fraught, at least some of the time. Sex can feel very high-stakes; porn feels extremely low-stakes.

Partnered sex can feel complicated, in part because few of us were raised to comfortably discuss controversial topics, differences between people, or sex. It takes some real fortitude to have honest conversations with partners about what you want sexually, especially if you’re feeling disappointed in the sex and don’t have good communication skills. It’s tough to discuss unreliable erections, or how long it takes to reach orgasm. It’s tough to figure out how to help a partner who gets triggered during sex, is crying during or after, or has different sexual preferences, to mention just a few very common challenges.

In that context, if your client doesn’t have effective strategies for dealing with emotions that are coming up, or for having hard conversations, they are likely to do something that feels easier. This might include choosing porn over a partner. I think most of us have had an experience of choosing something easy instead of something hard after a long day; why else would we choose to eat dinner in front of Netflix rather than having a conversation at the dinner table?

The more tension there is in the relationship around sexual connection, the more easy and soothing porn will feel in contrast to partnered sex–and if porn is a point of contention between partners, this will create a vicious cycle.

Breaking the vicious cycle

There are some common pitfalls that I see therapists falling into when it comes to porn use. This topic is complex and emotionally charged, so it’s understandable, but you can save yourself a lot of trouble by avoiding these traps: 

• Don’t take sides in a difference of opinion around porn. Whatever your clients are experiencing around this issue, the relational work will be about supporting both partners as they figure out what they think and feel, communicate about it, and get curious about one another’s perspective. As they build capacity for seeing things through one another’s eyes, they will also become more skilled at handling differences of opinion. I may throw in some facts about porn, but I won’t choose sides. 
• Avoid choosing an identified patient. Instead, focus on the system between the partners, including why porn use is so upsetting, as well as what role porn use is playing in the system. Shifting the dynamic between partners will shift everything, especially if you can help them do that before they get seriously polarized about the symptom itself. 
• Avoid an ultimatum about pornography use. More often than not, asking for a commitment to stop watching porn sets up your client for a broken agreement, which will only create deeper distress in the long run. Instead, I encourage partners to talk about what is important to them and work together towards building something meaningful. My goal is to help both partners hold steady enough that they can have an honest conversation, so that they can make real progress with whatever issue they’re facing, rather than sweeping the conflict under the rug of resentful compliance, and then watching when a broken agreement blows it all up. Rather than lasering in on porn use, my personal preference is to focus on increasing distress tolerance between partners, while also building fun and connection.

Here’s how I’d advise a therapist to proceed: 

• Find out what your clients’ goals are. Your clients are distressed, and this is probably going to be an emotionally challenging course of therapy; they’ll need to be motivated by something they truly care about. What does each partner want? I encourage you to help your clients go much deeper than any particular complaint here. What is under their wish or complaint? Do they want a juicy, fun, connected relationship with one another? To feel excited to see one another after work? To have more fun together? To reawaken their sexual connection? Once they are clear about what kind of future is worth building, you can help them get specific about what they would each like to do differently that will support them moving toward that future. Each partner’s goal must be within their own power to control, rather than a request of their partner. There are infinite possibilities for goals; just watch out for “I want my partner to…” because that’s a request, not a goal. A goal is something like “I want to …” 
• Investigate assumptions and meaning-making. What does porn use mean to your clients? What are they upset about, or afraid of? The emotions we experience are valid, but often the stories we tell ourselves or the meaning we make about them are damaging, based on myths and sexual shame, or otherwise just not helpful. Also, is it possible that there is a deeper issue that is getting ignored while everyone argues about porn–for instance, a big difference of opinion about something important, or difficulty navigating sexual differences? 
• Work on building capacity for handling difficult emotions. Is one of your clients self-soothing or managing tough emotions or stress by masturbating to porn? Is one of your clients experiencing a lot of somewhat illogical distress about pornography use or self-pleasure? If so, these are clients who could benefit from learning more strategies for managing difficult emotions and stressful circumstances. This project will probably be relevant, no matter what your clients’ goals are. Even if the partner who has been watching porn decides that they want to stop, in order for that to be a realistic project, they will have to figure out what role watching porn has been serving and fill that gap in some other way. Emotional management is firmly in the ‘therapist’ wheelhouse, so I’m sure you have plenty of tools in your toolkit already for the project of helping clients handle difficult emotions. As they build their capacity, the overall distress in the relationship will reduce. It’s totally possible that this process will make porn less necessary and sex less scary, so see what happens! 
• If appropriate, facilitate a conversation about what your clients really want sexually. Is this a situation where one partner is highly critical or very disappointed with some aspect of sex, and porn/self-pleasure is a way of avoiding a lot of tension? If so, helping the clients have more effective conversations about what they want sexually might reduce the need for that avoidance. 

How are you feeling, now that we’ve come to the end of this article series? I bet the series has given you a sense of just how complicated desire discrepancy is, and how many different factors a single case could involve. I hope you’re also feeling a little more empowered, now that you know what dynamics to look for and have a few strategies in your pocket for conceptualizing the case.

I also hope you’re feeling excited for our webinar tomorrow, March 3rd, at 1 pm CST, on working with higher-desire partners! I know I am; I have so much to share with you, and I can’t wait to hear your questions!