Thank you for joining me for “Tough Cases.” As you probably know, I specialize in training therapists to be highly effective working with desire discrepancy, and to that end I’ve created a series that focuses on some specific and very challenging presentations. In this series, you’ll gain serious practical skills working with issues like sex pain, pressure for sex, porn use, and more. It will culminate with a free webinar on working effectively with higher-desire partners, so don’t forget to mark your calendar for Friday, March 3rd, at 1 pm CST.

Imagine a couple comes to you for help with a desire discrepancy. One partner isn’t interested in sex, and the other is. They have been struggling with this for quite some time, and tension is mounting.

The lower-desire partner feels pressured and is very aware of their partner’s preferences. The higher-desire partner feels increasingly frustrated, and that frustration is quickly edging toward hopelessness. They are coming to you because they want you to fix it; they really want to stay together, but neither can see their way forward as things currently stand.

As you are aware, sex pain and a sense of coercion about sex both reliably undermine desire, eventually killing it entirely. That’s very important to know if the lower desire partner wants to experience more desire. But what if they don’t?

This speaks to the question: what amount of sexual desire is normal?

My answer is: Any amount of sexual desire is normal. All people exist somewhere on a continuum in terms of their level of desire for sex; some people experience none, some experience a lot, and there is a tremendous range in between. These things can also shift over the life span. It’s all normal. 

People who don’t experience sexual attraction may identify as asexual. Asexuality is not a problem or condition that needs to be treated; it’s just a part of the beautiful diversity of human beings.

Asexuality is also probably much more common than we think. Because asexuality is so invisible in our culture, many people may grow up, have serious romantic relationships, and spend their entire lives without realizing that not experiencing sexual desire is normal and identifying as asexual is an option. They may feel that there is something wrong with them, that they’re broken, or find themselves in frequent conflict with their partner about their desire differences without understanding exactly why. For that reason, if your client is asexual, you can make a big difference just by introducing them to the concept. And while this might not be exactly good news for their partner, it often brings some relief; at least it’s not personal.

In my opinion, it’s very important for all therapists who work with desire discrepancy to understand asexuality. Even sex-positive therapists who may quite reasonably strive to normalize sex can easily slip into stigmatizing asexuality by unintentionally assuming or implying that a lack of sexual desire means that something is wrong.

This is one reason why I focus so much on self-guided goals, letting the client’s own internal guidance and motivation determine the course of therapy. If my client is asexual, I certainly don’t want to impose the goal “experience increased sexual desire” onto them. I want to know what kind of experience they actually want to be having, not to please their partner or fit into a social mold, but for themselves. I can’t know ahead of time what will emerge from that question, but once they know what their goals really are, I’m ready to help them on their way.

Asexuality primer

Asexual or ace: An asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Just like any other sexual identity, people experience asexuality in a whole bunch of different ways. Some asexual people are completely uninterested in sex, or even averse to the idea of sex, while others simply have no independent desire for sex, but may be willing to have sex under some circumstances. Some asexual people engage in self-pleasure; some don’t. All normal.

Allosexual: A term used to describe people who do experience sexual attraction, in contrast to being asexual. Most people are allosexual.

Aromantic: Aromantic describes someone who does not experience romantic attraction. This does not mean that they lack significant and important relationships, just that these relationships will be more like powerful friendships rather than romantic partnerships. Someone might be aromantic but not asexual, vice versa, or both.

Gray ace: This term refers to people who may not be 100% asexual, experiencing occasional sexual attraction and desire, but are on the lower end of the desire spectrum, and find that asexuality describes many of their experiences.

Demisexual: This term describes people who need to have a strong emotional bond before they begin to experience sexual attraction.

There is nothing wrong with any of these ways of being, but they can pose challenges for people trying to navigate the world of dating, romance, and partnership, particularly if they don’t have the words to describe their experience or a community of support that understands these concepts and can normalize them.

Treatment Approaches

Learn about what the client wants. You are opening the topic of asexuality simply by asking what your client actually wants. But some clients will try to please you and their partner by saying something vague or difficult to interpret. In that situation, I will ask more, really letting them know I’m interested in what they want for themselves, and why they want it, without judgment. Because so few people have actually heard of asexuality, I might just throw out the term, to make sure my clients know it exists. I might mention that people have different levels of desire, all the way from very high to no desire at all, and every level of desire is perfectly normal and fine. Then, if your client wants to learn more, you can delve deeper, or have them do a little internet research and see what resonates.

Get clear on goals. As I’ve mentioned, I center the course of therapy around the client’s own self-motivated goals, asking “What do you want to be experiencing for your own reasons and for yourself and what do you imagine it will be like when you get there?” If it turns out my client wants to experience more desire for sex, we will work towards seeking and removing blocks to desire and creating conditions conducive to nurturing desire. If not, I might ask, “Have you ever considered that you might be asexual?”

Think outside the box. If you find that your client is indeed asexual, it’s time to start thinking a little bit differently about how to work with their desire discrepancy. The goal won’t be nurturing desire, but rather thinking creatively about how to support a relationship between a person who wants sex and a person who doesn’t.

Some asexual people aren’t repulsed by sex, they just don’t actively seek it out. They may find having sex to be a pleasant, connecting experience, even if it’s not something they independently spend much time thinking about. Or they may be willing to have sex because it brings their partner joy or pleasure. Any of this can work perfectly well, but the key is experiencing freedom to choose rather than coercive pressure to have sex.

Your work might involve:

• dispelling any negative meaning-making on either partner’s side about how their sexual relationship “should” be
• helping them be really honest about their preferences and strengthen teamwork around honoring one another’s differences
• helping them brainstorm how to make their sexual intimacy as connecting, pleasurable, and fun for both of them as possible; this will involve exploring less conventional ways of partnering during sex, something I particularly love teaching therapists to do. (If you’re not sure how to tackle the project of helping your clients negotiate sexual interactions outside the box, my course Assessing and Treating Sex Issues in Psychotherapy is a great resource.)
• giving them tons of props for being able to communicate honestly with one another about their differences 

Other asexual people are completely uninterested in sex, or even averse to it; in that case, if they are in a relationship with an allosexual person, they might consider some form of open relationship so that their partner can have an outlet to express their erotic self.

As with any exploration of identity, a lot of things may shift as your client starts to deeply consider who they are and what they want. I can’t say for sure what will emerge in that process; asexuality raises deep questions about romantic relationships, including opening the discussion of why we expect to find so many things–sexual connection, lifelong fidelity, emotional intimacy, financial partnership, parenting, and more–in one person.

Connect to resources. There are a number of ways your client might choose to connect with a larger asexual community or get more information, but a good place to start would be AVEN, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. If you or your client would appreciate reading a deeply thought-provoking book exploring asexuality, I heartily recommend Angela Chen’s Ace.