Rediscovering Sex in a Mixed-Desire Partnership

In last week’s post, I wrote about the common advice that partners experiencing a desire discrepancy “just do it,” and the way that can backfire. I argued that willingness (not desire) is the key ingredient for partners seeking to rediscover their sexual connection.

However, I also acknowledged that many couples feeling awkward and uncertain when they try to return to a sexual dynamic that has fallen out of practice. This week, I’m going to share a few strategies that couples can use to reduce their anxiety or generate sexual energy when “breaking the ice” around sex.

  • Explore other kinds of shared pleasurable touch. When partners don’t have sex for a long period of time, it’s common for other kinds of intimate, connecting touch to fall by the wayside–perhaps because one partner is anxious about touch “leading to” sex, or the other is anxious about pressuring their partner unintentionally. But engaging in pleasant, connecting touch can go a long way to reducing awkwardness and bringing you closer together. Try cuddling, kissing, lying close together, and holding hands, without making the endgame sex or orgasm. Instead, focus simply on enjoying each other’s closeness and presence.
  • Eliminate performative goals. Reducing anxiety about sex can be challenging, but one good strategy is for everyone to take responsibility for their own experience of pleasure. No intimate interaction should feel like a test for you, or your partner, and than can be a pitfall when sexual connection already feels vulnerable because its been awhile. Instead, think of it as an experiment you run together, with the goal of exploring multiple ways to add intimate physical touch back into your repertoire of ways of being together. Rather than focusing on giving  each other orgasms, achieving penetration, or any other end goal, why not agree to have fun with it? Laugh together, play a little, keep it light-hearted and low-stakes.
  • Don’t rush it. If you’re breaking the ice after a long time, it’s completely understandable to feel like everything has to go perfectly in order for the experience to be a success. But remember: success is just having a connecting, pleasurable experience with your partner. If either of you starts to feel scared or overwhelmed, slow down and be in the moment together. Loving, intimate touch (sex!) often includes holding one another, soothing uncomfortable emotions, kissing tears away, cozy foot rubs to start or finish, reassuring one another than all is well, and creating a safe space for both of you to be exactly where you are in the moment. After all, we’re discussing real life here, not Disney.
  • Reconnect with your body. Are you living in your head most of the time? Going through the motions of your life, rushing around, holding a big to-do list in your mind? Busy lives make it very easy to lose touch with the physical self. A good first step is to reconnect with everyday bodily sensations of pleasure. Notice how great your next shower feels. Shampoo your hair with attention to sensation. Rub lotion into your feet, hands, face, and body, and most importantly, open yourself up to the pleasure of the experience. Then, see if you can let your mind and body drift into a more sexual realm. What you can find within yourself, you can share with your partner.
  • Work with your own eroticism. If you have lost touch with your sexual desire, but you want to ignite that part of yourself and your relationship again, spend some time and energy attending to your own erotic self. Rather than waiting for your partner to turn you on, ask yourself “What do I do that turns me on?” Can you turn yourself on by noticing how sexy your partner looks in bare feet and jeans at the kitchen sink? Thinking about sex mid-day and texting your partner about it? Wearing or shopping for sexy underwear? Give this some thought. You may have many ways of turning yourself on, or you may not have thought much about it before. If that’s the case, you can have a lot of fun learning what is sexy to you. You might even decide to share your turned-on self or your newfound sexy vibe with your partner.