Experiencing a Desire Discrepancy? Here Are Some Resources to Help

If you’re struggling with desire discrepancy in your relationship, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Desire discrepancy is one of the prevalent sources of conflict for partners. In part, that’s just because it’s so common; in fact it is SO common I would call it normal. Everyone is different, and everyone experiences desire slightly differently; in fact, it would be more surprising to me if you and your partner had exactly the same level of desire all the time! 

It might help you to know that there’s no such thing as desire that’s “too low” or “too high.”  Every level of desire is normal. For more info about that, check out this article; it also has a few questions at the end that you can consider in order to start to understand where your basic assumptions about desire come from, and how to change them, if you choose to. 

However, just because desire discrepancy is totally normal and expectable doesn’t mean that there’s nothing you can do to bring yourself and your partner closer together in terms of desire. I’ve worked with many, many partners who are experiencing desire discrepancy, and I’ve helped train other therapists to work more effectively with desire discrepancies in their practices. I’ve seen just how stressful and painful it can be, and I’ve also picked up a lot of useful ideas that may help you and your partner. 

One of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is that before you can start making progress with a desire discrepancy, you have to make sure you stop doing anything that might make it worse. For instance, sometimes attempts to connect by the higher-desire partner can manifest as pressure for the lower-desire partner. It may seem counterintuitive, but if you want to reduce the difference in desire between yourself and your partner, the first thing to do may be stepping back a bit. That’s because pressure creates anxiety, and nothing kills arousal faster than anxiety. For more info about this very common dynamic and what to do about it, check out this article

Another issue that tends to make desire discrepancy so much worse is sex pain. Unfortunately, many of us don’t have access to good sex ed growing up, and because of that, we may not know that sex pain is not just something you have to put up with. If you’re experiencing painful sex, I want you to know: it’s not normal or expectable; it’s a blazing red flag from your body indicating that something is going wrong, and that you should stop doing the painful activity immediately. Continuing to engage in painful sex will certainly make the desire discrepancy worse, perhaps even ultimately leading to a sexual aversion, and potentially causing damage to your body. The good news is that with the help of the right medical practitioner, sex pain is usually fixable. A good first step is contacting a sex therapist, who can help refer you to the right medical provider for your situation. If there are no sex therapists in your area, ask your doctor to make a referral to a pelvic floor physical therapist.

It’s also very common for desire discrepancies to begin after one partner gives birth; in my series on postpartum low desire, I pick apart the physiological and emotional causes of postpartum low desire, and offer suggestions for how to help partners move forward. Read this article to gain an understanding of the physical causes, with tips for how to access medical help; read this article for an in-depth account of the emotional causes; and check out this article for guidance on improving intimacy postpartum. 

Once you’ve removed the blocks, you may find that desire starts to bloom. One great next step is to start intentionally cultivating a relationship with your own sense of eroticism. Exploring your own connection with your body and your own sense of fantasy, sensuality, and pleasure in a pressure-free environment can be a great way to build desire for partnered encounters, as well as being a joyful, life-affirming exercise in and of itself. This article offers some suggestions. And if you are feeling charged up and ready to engage with your partner, it may be time to run an experiment with reconnecting sexually. All it takes to run an experiment is willingness–but you have to be truly willing. This article offers some questions you can ask yourself to identify whether or not you are willing. 

Making a Good Repair, Part Two: Five Steps for Speaking to Your Partner

In the first of this series, I described the internal steps you can take to prepare yourself for making a repair in your relationship. Once you’ve taken those steps, the next project is actually sitting down with your partner and having a tough conversation. This is where the rubber meets the road in terms of making your repair. 

Anyone can say a quick and half-hearted “I’m sorry,” but if you want to make a repair that lasts, it’s worth taking the time to do it well. A good repair can go beyond fixing the problem; it can lead to a new level of intimacy and trust between you and your partner. 

In this second blog post, I’ll be describing the steps you can take in conversation with your partner to help you address what went wrong, understand your partner more deeply, and set yourself up for a strong and lasting repair. 

  1. Access curiosity about your partner’s experience. This part is not optional, and it is the part that usually isn’t done sufficiently deeply to facilitate healing. Your goal here should be to understand your partner’s perspective well enough that you really get how this was so hard for them. You want to be able to rephrase what they say, and have them let you know what you missed. Ultimately, you want to get it so right that your partner agrees that you understand how they feel. The key here is that you want to go deeper than the facts of what happened; you want to know how your partner perceived what happened. What is their perspective on it? What about it was hard? How did they interpret the situation? How would they have preferred you to handle this situation, and why? It can be challenging to stay grounded and steady while you hear your partner share in-depth about how they were hurt by something you did (or didn’t do). Keep your feet on the ground, breathe steadily, and maintain your curious attitude. Focus entirely on putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. This isn’t the moment to try and explain your viewpoint, tell your partner their perspective is wrong, or patch things up with a quick apology. The deeper you’re able to dig into this conversation, the more likely you are to be able to make a strong and lasting repair. Stay with the conversation until you have a feeling of “Oh, of course! Knowing you as I now do, It makes perfect sense that you felt that way.” Note: this is NOT the same as agreeing, nor is it the same as coming up with action steps. All you are doing is understanding your partner far better than you did before. That’s all.
  2. Show empathy. Now that you’ve gained a deeper understanding of your partner’s experience, this is the moment to show your compassion: “Oh!! I see now”. When it goes well, it sounds something like this: “I now understand that when I did (x), this is what happened for you (description of your partner’s internal experience in depth). I see how you felt (x), and it makes total sense to me that you would feel that way, given the combination of what I did, and what it meant to you.” This is easier for some people than others, and it’s easier in some situations than others. Don’t lie. If you don’t feel it, don’t pretend. Instead, go back to step 1 and try again to really understand your partner. Making a good repair is tough, and it wouldn’t be surprising if you need the help of a coach or therapist.
  3. Apologize. Explain to your partner why you are sorry. Focus on their experience, and resist the impulse to explain your perspective. It will be much better if you save your point of view for later.
  4. Explain what you plan to do differently in the future (if anything). The “if anything” is important here; if you make an agreement now that you can’t or don’t want to follow through on, all the work you’ve put into making a good repair will be for nothing, and the next conversation you have will be even harder. This is not a moment for appeasement. This is a moment to be very, very honest about what you think, and what you intend to do, even if it’s not exactly what your partner wants to hear.
    • If you do intend to behave differently in the future, be very specific and very honest about how you intend to handle future situations. This should go beyond “It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again.” Exactly what happened, step-by-step? What were the individual moments in which you made a choice, and how might you make those choices now? Why is it important to you to change the way you handle similar situations, if that’s what you intend to do?
    • If you don’t feel like there’s anything you want to change in handling future similar situations, you will have to say so now. If that is the case, can you help your partner understand your perspective without getting defensive? An impasse at this point is another great opportunity to find a therapist or coach; that’s a far better strategy than sweeping it under the rug with a blithe but empty promise.
  5. If you’ve expressed a plan to act differently in the future, acknowledge that your partner might have some doubts about your ability to follow through effectively with your plan. This is a concept that comes from Pete Pearson, whose mentorship has strongly influenced my practice. It will probably be hard for your partner to believe that your actions will really change just as a result of one conversation. You can take responsibility for your choices while demonstrating real empathy for your partner’s position by acknowledging that they may be wary to trust you–especially if recurring dishonesty has been an element of the problem. It takes a lot of strength to acknowledge that your partner may have legitimate doubts about your follow-through, but by doing so, you’ll be showing them that you’re paying attention, you care, and you don’t plan to sweep this under the rug. Taking responsibility for your choices and actions is the underlying concept in a good repair, and will go a long way to strengthening your relationship.

Five Steps to Prepare for Repair

People get hurt from time to time in relationships of any kind. This might be as a result of one partner making a mistake they truly regret, and which they never want to repeat. On the other hand, something one partner does might feel awful to the other partner, while from their perspective it doesn’t seem problematic, and they may be not sure why their partner is upset, or convinced they’d do things differently if given the chance. In any of these cases, when you or someone you love is in pain, it is important to mend fences. But what does that mean, really? How do you do it, and what does it entail? And what if you and your partner disagree about what makes sense going forward?

As you can see, repairs are complicated. This blog series will walk you through the complex process of making a good repair. 

A good repair goes beyond saying “I’m sorry.” In fact, a good repair is a bit of an art form. It requires depth and honesty, not empty promises. I think you can make a good repair even if you aren’t ready to say you would never do it again. But I don’t think you can make a good repair without understanding your partner’s experience, emotions, and reactions. And make no mistake, a good repair takes patience. It’s a process that cannot be rushed. Tapping your foot because you are SO ready for your partner to be over it is not going to help. That’s a sure sign you missed a step or two in the process of repair.

A really good repair requires you to take a deep look at what happened for your partner and for you. If you do it well, you will learn a lot about your partner, and possibly even more about yourself. You will figure out what you want to agree to, and what you don’t. This will emerge as you discover what feels most important to your partner and to yourself. You will work together to make a plan that respects your differences, while also protecting one another from harm and responding with love and care to one another’s concerns. You will probably decide to make a plan that involves doing something different in the future, rather than repeating whatever created the hurt, but your options for what you might do differently might be broader than you imagine. 

It can be really tough to take responsibility for your actions and understand your partner’s pain without getting defensive, shutting down, becoming overwhelmed by guilt and regret, or digging in and protecting your right to do what you want to do. None of those responses will facilitate building a stronger connection between the two of you, increasing a sense of safety, or mending the hurt. 

That’s why this first installment in the series will show you how to set yourself up emotionally to make a good repair. I’ll walk you through five steps you can take to prepare yourself internally for the tough conversations to come. Taking these steps before you start a deep conversation will help you get in touch with your best self. 

  1. Ground yourself. Get in a comfortable position and take a few slow breaths, focusing on making a long, smooth exhale. Reflect for a moment, and ask yourself: why am I choosing to make this repair, even though it may be an uncomfortable conversation? How will I benefit from making this repair? How does my choice to make this repair reflect the kind of partner, and person, I want to be? Get in touch with that aspirational part of yourself and ground yourself in it. If it can be boiled down to a power word or phrase, write it on your hand, or keep it at the front of your mind as a mantra. 
  2. Allow yourself forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Treat yourself with grace, and honor yourself for doing the difficult work of taking responsibility for your actions and doing your best to repair any harm that occurred along the way. 
  3. Prepare for some discomfort. If you’re hoping to experience ease, comfort, safety, and trust with your partner, you’ll have to show them that you can really hear things from their point of view. It can be very difficult to hear about discomfort or harm that you’ve caused without shutting down or getting defensive, but holding steady while your partner shares their experience is indispensable to making a good repair. Remind yourself, again, of why you’re choosing to make this repair, and connect again with your aspirational self. You can do this! 
  4. Access generosity for your partner. If you come into this conversation feeling cranky, or wanting to just get it over with, it’s likely your partner won’t feel heard, and you won’t get very far.  Your partner is experiencing feelings. Everyone experiences feelings. In fact, your crankiness is a feeling. Try thinking of your partner while accessing your most warm and loving self. Feel the warmth of your love and caring for your partner, and resolve to bring that spirit forward in your conversation.
  5. Settle in for an in-depth conversation. The point of taking these steps is to move towards making a lasting repair. A deep repair goes a long way; a quick and slapdash one probably won’t make much of a difference. You’re going to need to be prepared to have a long and intense conversation, and possibly to return to the subject several times before you both feel a sense of relief, release, or a shift towards closure. 

Breathe. Feel the warmth of generosity in your heart for yourself and for your partner. Take another moment to feel in touch with your aspirational self. You’ve got this!

Stay tuned for the next installment, in which I’ll walk you through the six steps you’ll take in conversation with your partner to make a deep and lasting repair.