Setting Meaningful Goals: New Year’s Edition (Part One)

As 2020 approaches, I know that many of you are probably taking some time to assess the past year: its joys and sorrows, high points and lows, successes and failures. I know that you’re probably also looking ahead to the next year, and wondering what it will bring. Perhaps you’re also thinking about New Year’s resolutions. 

Many of us are familiar with the rinse-repeat cycle of New Year’s resolutions: choosing too big of a goal, or the wrong goal, and then falling short and being overcome with disappointment, shame, or guilt. This all-too-common phenomenon is entirely counter-productive; it’s not self-loving, and it discourages us from trying again when we falter. 

Setting good goals is an art form. It takes some real skill and self-knowledge to identify a goal that is achievable while still being a meaningful stretch. In this two-part series, I’m going to explore the topic of meaningful goal-setting, and provide some guidance for how to create an effective resolution. 

First, let me be clear: an effective goal is a self-loving goal. Often people go wrong with their resolutions because they are actually a little bit punitive. Don’t do that!! You can’t hate, shame, or guilt yourself into lasting change. Speak kindly to yourself about your dreams and desires, using a loving, playful, or nurturing voice, rather than a scolding or critical one, and see how much more effective you are at achieving your goals.

Setting a good goal starts with self-assessment. Ask yourself these questions, and answer them on paper:

  • What went right for me in 2019? List at least 5 things. Feel free to list 20 or 30. 
  • For each item on your list, add: What did I do to create this, encourage it, or not get in the way of it happening? No matter how much your successes appear to have come from outside of yourself, you did play a role. Figure out what you’re doing right.

Next, start dreaming. Write down some thoughts about these questions:

  • What do I want my life to look like in the next year?
  • What kind of person am I, in my vision of the life I want to create for myself? 
  • How do I want to feel, in my relationship with myself, others, and work?
  • What do I want to give to the world?

As you read over your dreams and desires, picture them in vivid Technicolor. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings associated with your successes, present and future. Let it feel real. What does it look and feel like to get where you are going?

Is it difficult to feel the feelings you will feel in the future, when you have succeeded at your goals? I bet you have some experience with success. Remember a moment when you felt fabulous. Call that up, make it vivid, and then sit with it. Get comfortable feeling as fabulous as you want to feel.

The first part of goal-setting is allowing your imagination to roam, and allowing yourself to feel the feelings associated with success. In part two, I’ll walk you through the next part of the process: taking small but meaningful steps, and making it real by setting achievable intentions.

How to Understand the Stories That Shape Our Lives

We make sense of reality by means of story. It’s human nature. And the stories we tell ourselves deeply shape our lives. They determine how we see ourselves in relation to others and how we connect our disparate experiences into an overarching narrative.

There’s a term that therapists like to use: “making meaning.” It refers to the process by which we take our experiences and transform them into a narrative. Maybe you’ve noticed how two people can see the same situation in completely different ways. Have you ever had the experience of saying something you think is innocuous, only to have a friend interpret it as a veiled accusation or an attempted guilt-trip? Or the reverse—taken an innocent comment by a friend as a slight?

This is a result of “making meaning.” We are engaged in an ongoing, never-ending process of making educated guesses about what is going on in our lives—based on intuition, which is based on past experiences, which leads to making assumptions—about other people’s intentions and perceptions. And sometimes we may not even be aware of the assumptions we’re making—which can lead into some pretty messy territory!

Sometimes the narratives we tell ourselves can get in the way of our happiness. Have you ever had a running narrative in your head to the tune of “Nothing I do is quite good enough” or “Everybody is trying to hide something from me,” or “I’m always running behind, and if I stop working for second, everything will fall apart” or “Nobody will ever love me, because I’m too (insert negative self-judgement here)”? I think everyone has a few of these broken records playing in the back of their heads from time to time. Can you identify what yours sound like? Can you think of moments they’ve shaped how you interpret a situation?

It’s all too common for these kinds of harmful narratives to get in the way of our relationships. If you’re primed by your running narrative to think that people find you disappointing, for instance, consider how much damage could come from living through that narrative in your closest relationship—and consider the relief that could come from recognizing the narrative, checking your assumptions, and discovering that the reality of the situation is much less all-or-nothing.

Checking our assumptions is an essential relationship skill, and getting to a point where this can be a stress-free aspect of conversations with our partners will prevent or remedy a lot of suffering. If we want to avoid being controlled by narratives that may not be accurate, we need to ask nuanced questions and really listen to the answers. We also might benefit from honing our ability to bravely share the fears and vulnerabilities that underlie the assumptions we make. Here are some steps:

  1. Pause. The best thing to do in a charged moment is the exact opposite of what you instinctively want to do. Instead of charging forward with your anger, defensiveness, or anxiety, pause. You have plenty of time to address what’s going on. There’s no hurry. Breathe. Notice what you’re feeling, in body and mind.
  2. Identify our narrative themes. What fears return to you again and again? When you feel anxious, lonely, angry, or sad, what stories run through your mind? Can you think of times you have interpreted a perhaps innocuous situation negatively, and can you identify what you were thinking at the time? Once you identify your narratives, they become less automatic. You can start to set them apart from your immediate experience, notice them, and question them.
  3. Reframe the situation. Describe what you’re noticing, as neutrally as possible. Don’t catastrophize or draw connections to the past. Notice the assumptions you’re making, and make an effort to think of at least one or two alternative explanations. “My partner pointed out the dishes in the sink. This set off a narrative in my head that they’re mad at me, and I’m a big disappointment to them, but another possibility is that they are reminding me that the dishes are not yet done and people are coming over for dinner later, and is true that I agreed to do the dishes; it might not be coming from a critical place, it might be coming from a helpful place. Or maybe they are looking for a way to re-open the discussion of who should do the dishes. Or maybe they are not really thinking, and it was an expression of their own mood, not really anything about me at all.”
  4. Check your assumptions with your partner. Once you’ve paused, identified your narrative, and reframed the situation, you may already feel better. But if you’re feeling unsettled, it’s a good idea to check in with your partner. You might say something like, “Darling, what you said just now brought up some feelings for me; what did you actually mean when you said it?” Or perhaps, “What’s going on for you right now about (fill in the blank with the current topic)?” You’re likely to find that the situation is much more nuanced and less negative than you may have assumed, and your partner may be able to provide you with a fresh understanding of the experience. Even if it turns out your partner was criticizing you, at least you can have a reality-based conversation about it rather than relying on assumptions and mind-reading.

It’s important to remember that the goal of this process is to check your negative assumptions, not to avoid meaning-making altogether. At the end of the day, meaning-making is pretty unavoidable—and it’s not a bad thing. Meaning-making is also how we find joy, fulfillment, and compassion in our lives. It also helps us avoid potentially dangerous or difficult situations. However, if we can reframe our negative narratives, we can open up doors to better ones—ones that allow us to view ourselves and our partners with more compassion, appreciate the the joys of everyday existence, and see ourselves as participants in the scheme of life. Our narratives quite literally give our lives meaning. Shape them with care.

What Kind of Partner Do You Aspire To Be?

I have a deeply-held belief that everyone has the capacity for growth and change.  Not only can we change if we challenge ourselves to do so, but also we all have room to grow.

The Developmental Model teaches us to ask our clients “what kind of partner do you aspire to be?” Asking people to reflect on where they can grow keeps them from grouchily obsessing over how they wish their partner would change, and frees them up to identify their own motivations for change. It encourages them to imagine the possibilities for their life, and their relationships, on their own terms, rather than in reaction to someone else.

Paradoxically, when clients are able to do this, it often ends up making space for their partners to become more considerate, more reliable, and more present. Nobody likes to feel pressured, coerced, or guilted into changing. In fact, pushing someone into a defensive posture is a pretty effective way to ensure that their behavior doesn’t change.

The truth is, differentiation of self is a lifelong project. We all have more work to do if we’re going to truly embody the fullness of who we want to become, in the relationships we want to have, and in the world in which we want to live. The way we draw closer to that person is by choosing, every day, to be a little more patient, a little more courageous, a little more compassionate, a little clearer about our values and how we might express them.

As the days get shorter, and winter holidays approach, many of us, and many of our clients, experience internal and/or relational challenges. This year, I am asking myself, and invite you to join me in asking: “what kind of person do I aspire to be in this world, in this family, in this relationship? What can I do to get closer to that?”