As a relationship therapist, my job description includes destabilizing the status quo of relationships that aren’t working. No matter how much you want your relationship to change, change is uncomfortable. It involves trying new things, adjusting to new ways of being and relating, digging deep for empathy and generosity of spirit, and generally wading into the unknown.
Relational therapy also involves a commitment to personal growth. That often requires quite a deep look at oneself, which can be surprising and unsettling. Usually people start therapy when they feel very frustrated and dissatisfied with their relationship. Often this shows up as a strong desire for change in one’s partner: “If only my partner would change this, that, and the other thing, our relationship would be great.” So then, it might come as a bit of a surprise when you arrive in my therapy room, that the first thing I want to discuss is what you might want to change in how you are showing up in your relationship.
I start there because, in my opinion, this is the difference between relational therapy that does work, and relational therapy that does not work. If each partner is able to identify at least one or two things they are doing that aren’t working very well in their relationship, that is a good start. The next step is to find individually-motivated reasons why each partner would want to change those things. “Because my partner wants me to” isn’t as effective a motivator for change as (for instance) “because it is the kind of person I want to be.”
It is so easy to look for external changes to circumstances (my partner changed and our relationship got better) rather than internal ones, but here is the unfortunate (and hopeful!) truth:
You can’t be the same person you are in the current non-working relationship and expect to have a relationship that DOES work. You have to become the person you want to be in the relationship you want to have and then observe what happens next. Hopefully, you will find that the relationship transforms as well.