I’m continuing my series responding to the answers my readers sent me in response to the question, “What is your biggest challenge working with sex issues in therapy?” This week, I’m discussing a really challenging one: sexual aversion.
Understanding a little about the Dual Control Model of sexual arousal will help you begin to approach sexual aversion with more confidence. The Dual Control Model was developed by Jansson and Bancroft from the Kinsey Institute. Emily Nagoski’s excellent book Come as You Are presents the model accessibly and in depth, if you want more information.
The Dual Control is useful in understanding lots of sexual dynamics. The idea of the Dual Control Model is that sexual arousal isn’t an on-off switch. It has two components–excitation and inhibition, which Nagoski frames as being like an accelerator and a brake. That is to say, things that turn you on hit the accelerator, and things that turn you off hit the brake. The point is, you can stomp on the accelerator all you want, but if something’s holding down the brake, you’re not going to get anywhere.
With sexual aversion cases, generally what’s going on is that something is holding down the brake, hard. No matter what your client or their partner might do to increase stimulation (or hit the accelerator), nothing is going to improve in any substantial way unless they figure out how to let up the brake. Your job as a therapist is to help them identify what’s hitting the brake, and how to let it up.
Anxiety is the biggest brake ever. Sexual aversion is a form of anxiety, or even panic. Aversion sometimes results from a history of trauma, or from untreated sex pain, or a subtle (or overt) feeling of coercion or pressure around sex, but there isn’t always an obvious cause. If you think of it as anxiety, you’re more likely to get to the bottom of it. There might be subtle but pervasive shame about sex, for instance, or body image issues. Start with the Will Lily brief assessment to make sure you are targeting your questions and not missing anything crucial. (Spoiler alert: don’t forget to ask if any kind of sexual contact is uncomfortable or painful!)
Regardless of cause, there are some skills that usually require strengthening in order to resolve an aversion. These include:
- Help them get control over the situation. Your client must feel in control, at all times, when in sexual contexts. It is extremely helpful if their partner is on board with taking a supportive role until the aversion resolves. The role of the partner is so important to this treatment plan, because aversion is an entirely systemic phenomenon. Any little hint of external or internal psychic pressure about sex will have to be addressed. If this is an individual client, see if you can have the partner come in every now and then so you can see the dynamics between them, and strengthen the collaboration and teamwork. It is also very helpful to have both partners in the room for complicated psychoeducation that requires a perspective shift, as is often true when discussing sex pain, psychic pressure about sex, sexual pleasure (which can really increase desire!), and sexual differentiation of self. The partner of someone with a sexual aversion probably also could really benefit from some support; it is an extremely difficult situation to be in! It would be fabulous if you could support them both as they learn to work together and heal this dynamic around sex. They have a lot to gain.
- Build their ability to identify desires, set boundaries, and hold those boundaries. Without the ability to identify desires, preferences, and boundaries, communicate them, and back them up with action, it will not be possible for the client to really feel in control.
- Diagnose physical problems. Painful sex will make aversion worse, guaranteed. Absolutely get any sex pain diagnosed and treated. While that is under way, the client will need to completely abstain from any painful type of contact.
- Practice relaxation or mindfulness. Once safety and control are in place, the linchpin of your treatment plan will be teaching the client, and their partner, how to relax in sexual situations and enjoy sex for the purpose of pleasure, rather than performance. This is a lot easier to do in a relational therapy where you have both partners in the room. Consider bringing in the partner for a few sessions if this is an individual client.
- Explore intrapsychic blocks. Ambivalence about sex is worth a deep dive. Look for signs of past or current trauma, including psychically “benign” sex pain, but don’t forget to look for subtle shameful messages about sex, which are extremely pervasive. What were they taught about sex? About themselves sexually? About people who enjoy sex? Are they able to enjoy pleasure in any aspect of their life? How about sexual pleasure? You can identify blocks by having a client talk you through a sexual interaction, step by step. Ask what occurred, but also what they were feeling, and what they were thinking. At the first little sign of anxiety, which might be merely a body sensation, delve into the multiple messages they are telling themselves in that moment. “What are you telling yourself to make yourself feel anxious?” “What are you telling yourself to make yourself feel scared?” Chair work can be very helpful in both uncovering and treating blocks of all types.
- Keep your client’s goals front and center. Don’t forget: Having sex is not a requirement of life. It is possible your client is asexual, or just not very interested in sex. Before you really dig into treating an aversion, ask where your client would like to get. There is no point in working toward a goal that your client isn’t interested in meeting. That said, if they have the type of aversion that comes with a big “ick” reaction or panicky feelings, they might want to resolve the negative feelings. But having anxiety-free sex is not the only possible positive outcome. Being in control of what they choose to do, even if that means being able to feel good about themselves while saying “no” to sex forevermore, would also be a great outcome.
- Refer or consult if necessary. If you don’t find your treatment plan progressing, a sex therapist can probably help. You might choose to refer the client, for a time, or permanently. You could also consult with a specialist every now and then as the treatment evolves, while continuing to do the therapy yourself.