As a relationship therapist, I know I have a few beliefs that are a bit controversial for my field. One of those beliefs is this: the end of the relationship can be a perfectly good resolution to a couples’ therapy.
Let’s say that, after a long and complicated therapy, the partners look at each other and decide that the relationship is over. This is a painful result for both partners and often also for the therapist, but that doesn’t mean it’s a failure.
Consider the goal of increased differentiation of self. Here are the 3 parts:
- Become able to look inside yourself and identify what you think, feel, prefer, and desire.
- Develop the skill of holding steady while communicating those thoughts, feelings, etc. to your partner.
- Develop the skill of holding steady when your partner communicates to you about their feelings and desires…even when you are uncomfortable with what they are saying.
I truly believe that, in order to be happy, live fulfilling lives, and build strong, stable relationships, we all need to continue to develop this skillset. This is the road to congruence, or the experience of having your internal reality (that of feelings and desires) match your external reality (that of actions and words). Without congruence, you can’t have a strong, stable relationship. And without differentiation of self, congruence is just an idea.
Imagine this: a couple in therapy is working toward the three aspects of differentiation of self. They are getting to know themselves and one another more deeply and authentically than ever before. They are discussing the hard truths—the secrets, the unacknowledged differences, the difficult emotions. It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of this process, and most often the experience of seeing one another through new eyes offers fresh energy or even a complete rebirth for the relationship.
However, sometimes this process results in a realization of incompatibility. What then?
In my experience, people then decide to stay together despite the incompatibility, for any number of reasons, or they decide to end the relationship and go their separate ways.
In either case, I strongly believe that the deeper goal of knowing oneself and showing up authentically in relationship is more important than exactly what happens with the relationship outcome.
I love to help my clients get to the point where they have the clear eyes, the self-knowledge, and the understanding of one another to make the right decision for themselves–even if that decision is to end the relationship.
When partners decide to split up, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship therapy is over. The process of disentangling a life together—including shared finances, property, friends, community, and children—is complicated, and can be fraught and painful. A relationship therapist can be a wonderful resource to help facilitate stronger communication and better agreements throughout the transition.