The Most Fundamental Sexual Connection

We generally think of sex as something that happens between two or more people. But the most fundamental and important sexual relationship is the one you have with yourself.

When I refer to “the sexual relationship you have with yourself,” I mean the erotic space that exists inside you. That includes the sensuous space of physical pleasure that you experience through your own body, your unique erotic fantasies, and your sense of yourself as a sexual being. All of that belongs to you. It is yours alone, for you to explore in any way you choose.

Self-pleasure has lots of benefits, ranging from increased orgasmic response to better sleep, pain relief, decreased anxiety, improved circulation…I could go on and on. It is unique in that it is private; when you’re having sex with yourself, you don’t have to consider another person’s feelings, reactions, and preferences in the moment, which can allow for a type of exploration that is relaxed and curious.

Often I find that people are impeded in exploring their sexual selves alone by a perception that self-pleasure is in some way gross, lonely, bad, or sad. That’s a real shame, in my opinion. Self-pleasure is completely normal. It’s the most reliable way to experience orgasm, and, for many people, it can be a valuable self-care practice.

If you have that kind of reaction to self-pleasure–if it seems isolating or wrong in some way–ask yourself these questions:

• Why am I having this reaction?
• Where did I learn this?
• Do I still actually believe it?
• What do I aspire to believe about self-pleasure?
• How far away from that aspirational belief am I right now?
• What would be the benefit to me if I were able to shift all the way to the belief I would like to have?
• What would be the benefit to my relationship(s)?

Then write down the belief you would like to have, and refer to it often. When you notice you are having the old, less helpful thoughts, try deliberately replacing those thoughts with the new ones.

If this is difficult, or progress is slower than you would like, you might benefit from discussing it with a therapist. When you interview a therapist to see if it’s a good fit, be sure to ask them if they are comfortable and competent working with sex issues—this is an issue that will require some explicit discussion about sex and sexuality.

Embracing and exploring your sexual self can allow you to understand yourself better—to know what turns you on and off, what invigorates and excites you, and what gives you pleasure. But it won’t just benefit you alone; you can also bring that knowledge back to your partnered sexual encounters, and your understanding of yourself can make sex that much hotter and more meaningful.

Having a strong connection with your own eroticism can also take some pressure off your partnered intimate interactions. It can be very distressing when one partner wants to have sex and the other does not. If you can stop thinking of self-pleasure as something lonely or lesser than partnered sex, and start thinking of it as an opportunity to explore, experience, and have a lot of fun exploring your eroticism without the pressure of anyone else’s expectations, you may find yourself taking it in stride the next time your partner doesn’t feel like having sex when you do. The reverse is also true. Next time your partner’s in the mood and you aren’t, you could invite them to have some hot self-sexual time.

Or maybe you would find it sexy to watch, or to participate in some manner? There are many ways you can incorporate self-stimulation into your repertoire for partnered sex. Anxiety and arousal don’t go together; an internal sense that it is your “job” to “give” your partner sexual pleasure and orgasm can really put a damper on enthusiasm and hotness. That knife cuts both ways—worrying that you’re taking too long is decidedly not erotic! Knowing you can take control of your own pleasure (and your partner can do the same) is one of the most empowering and anxiety-reducing shifts I know of.

Tune in next week, when I’ll be sharing some tips for how to explore your self-sexual connection!